Ack! It’s September! When did you get here? This year went by so fast like every other year and I must confess, I THINK I accomplished what I wanted for this year. I’m not sure. I thought I had New Year’s Resolutions but to be honest I don’t remember doing it. But I do remember wanted to start this year all extra fresh.
Like last year, I made a commitment to work on myself by being mindful of my time, embrace better money management, and I guess you can say, get my life together. Another thing I was focused on was doing more of what made me feel alive and being honest with myself about what does without overthinking if I would ever make money off it. During this walk, someone told me to stop looking at the big picture and make those small steps daily. Now, I know this person was not telling me to stop dreaming big but this person recognized how much stress I was putting on myself for the little things. I think of the Bible verse that says “do not despise meager beginnings” and to be honest the last years had been full of meager beginnings which could be frustrating for someone who wants to make the most out of life.
The Word says that God will never leave you or forsake you…it’s taking some time but it’s becoming more and more true in my life. In journaling, I recognized that God is a comforter and omniscient. He knew every situation I was in. There has been a worship night I attended a few months back. A woman around my age walked up to me. She placed my hand on my shoulder and prayed everything that I’ve been praying for weeks in my private time with God. I was moved because at that moment I remember that God is with me and He hears me.
It’s suddenly September. The leaves are changing color and my life is changing. I’m in a much better place than I’ve been in years. I sense myself becoming my best friend and drawing closer to God, which is always a hope for me each year. Well, not actually becoming my best friend because for the longest time I was hard on myself for not being “normal” or like everyone else.
I became fascinated with people who got up and did things. That looked at something, though it was cool and kept doing it until the finances flowed or their name became great or until they became highly connected. That’s what I hope for in this journey. Someone told me that, “I’m always looking.” I guess, but I want to change that to “I’m always experiencing.”
One of my current favorite cartoons, Steven Universe, had an episode when Steven and his “best friend” (future girlfriend but I digress), Connie fused into one being. The being was named Stevonnie. Stevonnie was filled with excitement. They ran to meet the gems and one, in particular, told them, “You are an experience.” For me, that almost gave me permission to just experience.
One day last year I was mediating asking God about my situation. I heard the words, “I want you to be more present.” From then on I’ve been striving to be more present. It’s been a beautiful journey.
So going back to New Year’s Resolutions, perhaps it was to be more present, experience more and learn what it means to live life fully and abundantly. This time it means to be free. This time it means to cherish and be grateful for every moment. It means to be honest with God and myself.
Sorry I’m a little misty eyed
With a snotty nose
It’s this life that He chose
Some days I feel like a can’t take it or will never make it
Sins on top of sin
Failings on top of failings
Some days it’s like I’m flying and sailing
I’m just contemplating
Whether it is best to walk amongst the living
Or lay down and die
So I’m sorry
I’m a little misty eyed
With a snotty nose
It’s this life He chose
The people I see
I think about them too much
GOD knows I’d rather not
Now with my nose full of snot
My mind fills with the beautiful memories
Which are nothing without the pain
I guess for everyone the story is the same
There’s the storms and hurricanes
Before the rainbows and the sunshines and the flowers
I guess its true
Everyone has their hour
When life, people, and world turns cold, mean and sour
And then that hour of love, life, laugher and joy comes
There remains the scar
Too fast, I say, the joy is gone too fast
That is why
I’m SO sorry I’m stand here misty eyed
With a snotty nose
It’s this life He chose
Drawing Inspired by Toni Morrison’s The Bluest Eye
Brown eyes filled with hope. I have a child’s heart as I mediate on a world filled with possibilities. I cannot say that I always believe in the words “be realistic” because imaginations that overtake my mind are very real to me. I’m quite stubborn, a tad bit rebellious and possess a curious mind that no one can control.
I’ve been told that I’m hard to figure out. I’m sure I’m not the only one, no one can know someone fully because in reality there are plenty of things that I have not quite figured out about myself. I know all my life I desired to take the road less traveled as Robert Frost wrote. I used to come up with projects and ideas that seemed impossible, therefore making some school projects a lot harder than they needed to be.
Like most 20-somethings, I’ve hit very low points that made me question certain decisions I’ve made or did not make. “Why didn’t I…? Should’ve, could’ve, would’ve…? What the BLEEP did I do with my life?” Like many 20-somethings, life have given me the uppercut, body slam, a karate chop and a few missing teeth, yet, like many 20-somethings, I’m told to carry-on.
Carry-on, get over it, “at least you’ve…”, “it could’ve been worse…”, “why didn’t you…”, “why did you…”, “you’re so ungrateful…” I meet them with, “I…don’t…like…you…”. But I hear other 20-somethings going through a similar depression, to which I can’t fully understand. Maybe there are actually certain levels and stages to this quarter-life crisis. I must confess, the other sadness I often meet with me sucking my teeth and saying, “you be iight!” But in reality, we all will be.
This moment stuck with me. I went to church for prayer a few Mondays ago. It was me, two other 20 somethings and a woman (didn’t receive permission to share this story so no names!) When the woman prayed she told God how inspired she was by these young women who were just so in love with Him. She told us about how when she was our age she and her friends would wonder about who’d they’d marry and sometimes thought that Jesus Christ will return before they get married and have families. She’s now married with children in their 20-somethings. From that day on I was left at great peace. Everything is in God’s Hands and He knows just what He’s doing. My career, my potential husband, my life is all under His control. So I can carry-on and I’ll be alright.
My brown eyes continue to brighten with hope as new experiences and opportunities begin to present themselves. I realized how real God is and slowly but surely I am beginning to pursue my passions. And this hope will not leave me alone…and I won’t let it.
“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” –Ecclesiastes 3:11 NIV