You blast your music on Wednesday around 10 o’ clock at night.
But you helped me shovel my snow.
Neighbors. You drink too much and why are you shouting you heard gunshots? Are you not afraid to get shot, too?
Neighbors. You brought food by when you knew one of my family members were sick.
You brought beer by when you wanted to party.
Neighbors. I didn’t invite you over.
Neighbors. Please, shut up.
Neighbors. Went for a walk with my family so I have a real soft spot for you.
Neighbors. You came by when the ambulance came. When you saw us in black. When you saw me in a prom dress. When you saw us with packed bags and a smile on our faces. You always check on us.
Neighbors. But why does your dog bark every morning at the crack of dawn? WHERE IN THE HECK DID YOU GET A ROOSTER? WHY IS IT IN YOUR YARD? IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CITY? NEIGHBORS?!?!?
Neighbors. Where are your baby’s clothes and why are they running in my front yard? Little Neighbor, don’t ask me to buy you ice cream! Where are your parents?
I see there is a “For Sale” sign up but we heard a while ago you were leaving. You planted a pretty garden with sunflowers, lettuce, tomatoes, and eggplants. My gosh, I will miss your faces.
I still need to vacuum inside my car. I loved how beautiful it looks after an excellent vacuum and how beautiful it smells after applying the cleaning dust and hanging the Yankee Candle air freshener. It just makes me want to drive around all day, pick up people and show off how nice my car is.
A couple of years ago my car passenger side window decided, “Hey, you know what? I’m just NOT going to work today!” When people sat in the passenger side and tried to roll down the window, it wouldn’t go back up. It happened so frequently anyone who wanted to roll down the window I would make them work to bring it back up with their hands. This is normally achieved by me glaring into their soul silently making sure they feel my annoyance burning from within. One day I had one of the main culprits tape the button for the window so no one can bring it down.
About gas, I realized I made a huge mistake when I took a job several miles away from my house, leaving me not enough time to really invest in myself while building a career. After some thought I was like, this is a bad idea.
My car said, “It SURE IS!” And I got a flat.
Adulting has no script. No structured schedules. Everything at the end of the day is doing what’s best for you, boo. I know you’ll make it through.
(Kou’s retirement letter, inspired by a retirement letter written by someone who worked in a company she worked at)
Dear Colleagues and super close acquaintances,
Peace out yo.
I will miss you all, but social media makes me think the world is small enough not to miss you. I will probably be on Instagram once a week to show off a picture of me jet skiing and living my darn life. I expect you to do the same.
Let’s be honest, you’re going to miss me. But you’re life will go on. You’ll probably think of me when your bored at work wondering where is Kou to cackle with me? Where is she trying to help me save the world? Where is her delicious banana bread that I never thought to just ask her for the recipe and make my darn self? YES, you will miss me. I must say after all these years I’ve finally gotten the professional respect I longed for and I’m so grateful I found it- while working for myself, traveling, and living my life. Again, I hope you can do the same.
Save your coins, like I did when I was young (and I still look it. Yes, I still get IDed), use your vacation days, do an excellent job but don’t take it home with you. They will replace you when you’re dead. To all you employees, entre and intrapreneurs, bosses, CEOs, and retirees- make the most of your life while you still can. It’s a gift, not a curse. If I hear any of you all say that “life sucks” I’m punching you.
If you care to know, I’m going jet-skiing this weekend. After that, I might babysit some chicken nugget looking grandkids of mine and travel some more. I’m going to enjoy retirement- now that I’m no longer expected to work.
I’m going to really miss you all. It was lit. PEACE!
Only the Best,